Monday, August 6, 2007

Personal Monday: The Screaming Vent of a Christian

I need help. I thought repeating the words "God is in control" and "God's will, not mine be done" would calm me down. I thought praying would bring an answer. But I'm tired of it. I want it fixed now. I want to know if I made the right decision. I'm mad. There's so much anger built up in me right now, I just want to scream at God. And all this over such small things, but I can't help it. I've been trying to look at the positive side for a long time and now it seems a lie to pretend I can think positively. I've been crying all afternoon about it. Maybe I'm just being stubborn and proud. Maybe I'm looking for a reason to be mad at God. I'm not sure, I just don't know what to do about it. I need a sign from God that He's there. I've seen Him do amazing things in my life, so why can't He do something now! Why does He make me hate Him so much? I've been waiting and I'm sick of it. I've put my faith in Him, I've prepared the fields for rain, but the rain is not coming and I'm tired and sick of waiting. I want to throw things about and have a temper tantrum. I want to scream and cry. Why can't things be fixed? Why do things have to be the way they are? Why can't I be positive? Why am I so angry inside? Why doesn't anyone understand? Why? Why?

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