Personal Monday: Teeter Totter

This week has been a giant teeter totter. First off, I’ve been learning a lot about pride and prejudice this week. I love the Jane Austen book, but I’m talking about the real thing. More than once this week I’ve found myself torn in the middle of conflicts between people. When this happens, it becomes easy for me to let my own opinions concerning the people involved get in the way. If I’ve had differences with one person involved, they’re the one I dislike. It’s hard to learn to just back off and let things resolve themselves. I’ve found that I just need to listen to the people involved and support them without taking any sides.

Besides my own pride and prejudice problems, my emotions have gone haywire this week. I have not kept up with my food journal and have kept up my pigging out. I’ve been out a lot this week, and when you are out you eat out. Even so, at home I pig out on candy and chips. I get mad at myself every time I realize what I’m doing. I’ve cried more than once this week about it. At least I eat more fruits and vegetables now, but I have a long way to go. My doctor won’t be happy when I have no record of what I eat to show her. I’m hoping there won’t be much else for her to lecture me about. On the bright side, I found out I don’t have to get any moles removed, but I did start taking cholesterol pills, as well as acid reflux pills, yesterday. Tomorrow I go in to get my blood tested again, this time for Hepatitis A. Needles don’t bother me much; I’ve had my blood drawn so many times. Speaking of needles, that whooping cough shot gave me quite a flu, but after about 5 days it went away. Glad that’s over. Now I just hope there aren’t any bad results from the Hepatitis test so I can get that shot done and over with.

I lost my driving permit today. I’m really starting to worry because I don’t drive very well. I have to take the test within the next two or three weeks, but I don’t practice very often. Most of the time I am reading or sleeping and I never get out of the house.

The only really exciting thing I did this week was getting the 7th and final Harry Potter book. I went to the midnight part at my local Borders and bought it around 1:30 AM. Long lines. I’ll post a review of it tomorrow or Wednesday. I finished reading it last night at 11 PM. It took me a lot longer than I thought it would.

Since I didn't have much to say today or for the past couple of days (I've been reading Harry Potter since it came out) I'm posting some long lost weight journal entries. One today and another next Monday and so on until I run out. Here's the first one:

11-10-05 So, Wednesday I decided I wanted to go to the gym, even though I had a midnight flight to Indiana that same night. When I actually got to the gym, however I felt quite the opposite. For the first time I did not want to go to the gym. It was a strange feeling, knowing that I did not want to work out. I felt bad for not wanting to go. I also felt bad for making my dad take me, so I went ahead and worked out a little. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, but as soon as I stopped, I instantly felt sick. I had to go home. It was not the best timing I guess. I needed to rest up for the flight anyway. Now that I am here, in Indiana, and have had about 2 hours of sleep, I have been pigging out. But what can I say? So far I love it here! I can't avoid food when it is offered. I know I should. I will have to take it a little easier tomorrow.

11-16-05 WOW! Vacations and sicknesses can only make it harder to keep up with this journal. Next time I go out of town or get sick I will have to persevere more. While I visited colleges last weekend, I didn't exactly do my best to eat right. In fact I did my worst. Now that I am sick and stressed back at home, I only eat more, especially popsicles. They seem good for a soar throat and do not activate my sensitive stomach. I like to eat. I admit it. We all go through trials. That is the beauty of a thing like this. It is all about picking yourself up again. I remember a line from the movie "Batman Begins" that asks why we fall. The answer is simply "so we can pick ourselves up again." That is so true in our society. I believe it has always been true. If we want something bad enough, we will do anything in our power to get it. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. It is hard on me to come to the realization of the truth. I have always been frank about it. Nothing has changed. But I don't want to die, and I don't want my parents to die either! My mom had to buy three seats on the airplane for the two of us because of our size. I just barely fit with the seat belt and my mom had to get a seat belt extender. People our size have been forced to buy a second seat because they are so big. Some of them have sued over it. I will never sue. Having that extra seat between my mom and I was worth every penny for the comfort it gave us. We were not squashed together. But I am sick of looking down and seeing a huge, floppy belly. I am sick of playing with my arms because they are like built in bean bags made of fat instead of beans and skin instead of fabric. I look at myself. I know I am big boned. I will always be bigger. But I can be healthier and I can get rid of these huge stretch marks that cover my body. I refuse to let go. I will be healthy, one way, or another.

Separate from all that, I just came up with a thought. Without all the pigging out on food, if one was to go visiting colleges several times, they would most definitely lose weight just from all the walking they do in campus tours.